Posts
I fought my thoughts out
The scenes I perceive
Thrashes out my zone of comfort
I lay out my thought to my captor
My captor is my defensive weapon
She unravels my true inner being
Each night and day, I sought out
My sentiments to outdoor what
My heart has caught
But to all my hopes I lost
My heart has bought a stricken old coat
And each time i wear it, the looks and sighs
Of the lost generation I feel
I am one wild walrus in the sea
Searching for survival
But
I have been kept in shackles
Shackles that wear off my skin
When I struggle
I am one fearless, candid eagle in the air
How difficult is it to question my veracity
For the gospel is my priority
But
these shackles shuts my thoughts to a naught
My fate is at stake
On a highway
But the way to exit tells me
One day,
I will say out my thoughts
In my heart
To my appraisal
Bosom of affection
This is my time of perfection
I'm still trying to figure out the message in there but there are few typos you need to see to. First stanza, third line, the word thrushes? don't you mean thrashes? last time i checked thrush was still a yeast infection.
ReplyDelete"of the lost generation in feel"? did you mean to say "of the lost generation I feel"?
was your choice of the walrus intentional and what did you intend for it to signify, because if so, i think you should project the walrus' features more in a way, but that's only a suggestion.
these shackles shuts? it should be shut. and what about the entire line should read; "these shackles shut my thoughts to naught" not "to a naught".
your punctuation throughout the poem does not makes it an easy read, its hard to make out where to pause and which lines are supposed to be 'run-on'.
I think if you effect these changes the message will become much clearer.
Hannah has said it all, my only problem is the punctuation. Please do something about it
ReplyDelete